For the longest time you put it all on them. There were never bad feelings about it, but the narrative was always about how they tempted you beyond what any reasonable person could stand. You were steadfast until they got you alone. You were in control until they whispered in your ear that they wanted you. Like you were this hapless victim right? Looking back on it tonight you see for the first time that they were the first time you wanted something no matter what. In that split second when they step out on the porch and you see them, know they are unlike any other, it is here you can see yourself most clearly. Maybe it's mostly subconscious, but you start to pull yourself apart. Discarding the pieces that will get in the way and stitching up the gaps with new found desire. The process is roughshod and you are left fragile and confused and maybe that's why you don't kiss them; why you stand in a daze trying to find shelter at the bottom of a bottle.
You scarred each other. Neither of you had ever been that raw before and you were still young enough that poking the exposed parts seemed like a good idea. This is the great tragedy, the story of loss and how you failed. A chorus line of cruelty and carelessness dancing forever through your memories. Never even dwelled on the dirt they did; but for the first time you can see that mostly it was good. Really can you ever hope for more than that?
Take heart because tonight you're that kid again. Seeing them for the first time. Only now understanding what's going down as it happens. Pick the pieces carefully and stitch them up in a new narrative. It's bound to be an ugly job, but don't worry the tracks will fade. Staring in the mirror it's like looking at a challenger. Run your hands under cool water and splash your face.
This is where you start. This is where you end.
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